mhs66

 An Indian Mystery  revealed.
Finally  someone has cleared this up  ..

For  centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in  Canberra  has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won :-
A -a taxi licence in Adelaide,
B -a convenience store in Melbourne,
C- a service station in Perth,
D- a kebab shop in Brisbane or
E- a take away cafe in Sydney.

If there is  nothing there, he must take a job in  India  answering
telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in
Australia. ......Contributed by SuYin

what is old?

My working life, so far ....

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I wouldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,  but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

 After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it; mainly because it was a so-so job.

 Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

 Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

 I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

 My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found that I really wasn't noteworthy.

 I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

 Next was a job in a shoe factory ; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

 I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

 I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

 So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

 My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

CL Chua

the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India . She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'. She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'Wayside Chapel' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
 
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds.
It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early.
There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.
It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.
We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment.
The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster.


The woman never visited India !

'Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!'

'E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!'

The next day:

'Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night.'

'Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back.'

'Sorry Sipho, I did already spend that money..'

'Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow.' So, Bongani brought
the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.

A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did
with the dead cow:

'You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold
251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell
anyone the cow was dead..'

'Yoh! And the people didn't complain?'
'Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!'

Sipho is now in parliament..

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences ( with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

      When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the
      Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but
      this is what they heard:

       'Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness
      and to seek your direction and guidance.  We know Your Word says,
      'Woe to those who call evil good', but that is exactly what we have
      done.
      We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.
       We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
      We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
       We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
       We have shot anti-abortionists and called it justifiable.
      We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building
      self esteem.
       We have abused power and called it politics.
       We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
      We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called
      it freedom of expression.
       We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and
      called it enlightenment.
       Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from
      every sin and set us free.  Amen!'

      The response was immediate.  A number of legislators walked out
      during the prayer in protest.