mhs66

on a lighter side

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock
and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Chinese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Chinese
accent asked 'You sell what?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Chinaman said, 'You doing velly well; only
last two left!'*

So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies:

"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_____________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

_____________________________________

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

_____________________________________

SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_____________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

The word is........

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.   She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.   He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum." .....................contributed by QL

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.

Nobody believes old people !

Everyone thinks old people are senile. An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they had shared
and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they do not know what to do with it, so they take it home.

There, she counts the money and it was fifty thousand dollars. The husband says. "We have got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says, "No."
The husband says, "She is lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Do not believe him, he is getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We are getting out of here".

surat cinta Tijah

Tijah budak kampung, tapi bekerja di Kuala Lumpur .

Biasalah bila sudah duduk "town", mula lupa asal usul. Pakaian seksi

maut, bercinta pula dgn lelaki mat saleh. Ke hulu ke hilir menayang
boyfriendnya yg bermata biru.

Punyalah eksyen si Tijah, hinggalah suatu hari dia ternampak lelaki Inggeris tadi dgn wanita lain yg lebih cantik dan bergaya daripadanya.
Tijah menangis tiga hari tiga malam. Pada malam ke empat, Tijah mengambil sehelai kertas dan menulis surat untuk memutuskan
perhubungannya dgn lelaki mat saleh tadi yg baru sebulan dikenalinya.

Begini bunyi surat yg ditulis oleh Tijah binti Kulup Kecil, yg berjaya "dicuri" ...

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Mike....

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US.

I have think about this very cook-cook. I know I clap one hand only.
Correctly, I have seen you and she walk-walk together at town with eyes myself. You grab hand she.

You always ask for apology back-back. I don't trust you again!

You are really crocodile land.

My friend speak you play wood three. First-first I think my friend lie me. But now I know you correct-correct play wood three.

So, I break connection to pull my body from this love triangle.

I know this result I pick is very correct, because you love she

very high from me.

So, I cut this connection to go far from here. I don't want you

to play-play with my liver.

I have been crying until no more eye water thinking about you.

I don't want banana to fruit two times.

Safe walk..
Tijah

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it. For example
I am sitting here thinking how nice it is
that wrinkles don't hurt...

note from around the world

You'll make yourself comfortable by stoking and gobbling up as the local people and then loosen up on soft straw mattress enjoy fresh manure of cattle and sleeping"
from Air China inflight magazine

"Men's Briefs. Try them! They're Comfartable"
Billboard in Kaohsiung, Taiwan

Romatical touchings that are will causing excited sexual desire is not dominantly to fell by human beings only, but he elephants are not even inferior in intimate." "The wind touched softly the hairs on the brow. From the provided tower the spectators can be looking down freely. Among the leafy jungle growing around, on the tall-grasses swaying slowly together with the songs of birds and forest insects. This tourism object in Way Kambas to be a new natural colour of natural Forest that is warmish, vicious, but friendly."
from an article in an Indonesian magazine about a new tourist attraction

"Please feel yourself at home."
from a welcoming advertisement in Chiang Kai-shek Airport in Taiwan:

SORRY
NO TALKING TO CASHIER
NO SMOKING
NO FIGHTING
NO CREDIT
NO OUTSIDE FOOD
NO SITTING LONG
NO TALKING LOUD
NO SPITTING
NO BARGAINING
NO WATER TO OUTSIDERS
NO CHANGE
NO TELEPHONE
NO MATCH STICKS
NO DISCUSSING GAMBLING
NO NEWSPAPER
NO COMBING
NO BEEF
NO LEG ON CHAIR
NO HARD LIQUOR ALLOWED
NO ADDRESS ENQUIRY
sign on the Bastani Cafe in Mumbai

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
from a Swiss restaurant menu

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour."
from a Tokyo car rental brochure
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
in a Yugoslavian hotel

"Please leave your values at the front desk."
in a Paris hotel

"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
in an Acapulco hotel

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
in a Moscow hotel

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
in a Copenhagen airline ticket office

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
in a Japanese hotel

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
in an Austrian ski hotel

"Cooles and Heates if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
air conditioner instructions, Japanese hotel

"Special cocktails for the lady with nuts."
in a Tokyo bar

"English well talking. Here speaching American."
from a Majorcan shop

AirIndiaX

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your

captain PATEL (Boniface)

Welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air India Xpress

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it

was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not

guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air India Xpress has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this

year, over 30% of ou passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger

request, we can arrange to turn them off!

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and

memorable, we serve complimentary DHARU and Wada pavw.

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only

airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie

will not be shown as

we forgot to record it from the television. However,

for our movie buffs, we

will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where

their movie will be

visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any

smoke you see in the

cabin is only the early warning system on the engines

telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly

as close as possible

for the best view. If however, we go a little too

close, do let us know.

Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right

through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright

position for take-off and

fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find

a seat-belt, kindly

fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for

those of you who

can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch

with a stewardess who

will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."

ENJOY AIR INDIA XPRESS

A guide for expatriate drivers in Malaysia
by David Astley a British/Ozzie guy now living in KL

Since arriving in Malaysia in 1997, I have tried on many occasions to
buy a copy of the Malaysian road rules, but have come to the
conclusion that no such publication exists (or if it does, it has been
out of print for years). Therefore after carefully observing the
driving habits of Malaysian drivers, I believe I have at last worked
out the rules of the road in Malaysia.

For the benefit of other expatriates living in Malaysia, and the 50%
of local drivers who acquired their driving licences without taking a
driving test, I am pleased to share my knowledge below:

Q: What is the most important rule of the road in Malaysia?
A: The most important rule is that you must arrive at your destination
ahead of the car in front of you. This is the sacrosanct rule of
driving in Malaysia. All other rules are subservient to this rule.

Q: What side of the road should you drive on in Malaysia?
A: 99.7% of cars drive on the left hand side, 0.2% on the right hand
side, and 0.1% drive in reverse (be on the look out for drivers
reversing at high speed in the left hand lane of freeways, having just
missed their exit). Therefore on the basis of 'majority rules', it is
recommended that you drive on the left. However, be aware that only
90% of motorcyclists travel on the left hand side - the other 10% ride
in the opposite direction or on the sidewalk. Fortunately,
motorcyclists traveling in reverse are rarely seen.

Q: What are the white lines on the roads?
A: These are known as lane markers and were used by the British in the
colonial days to help them drive straight. Today their purpose is
mainly decorative, although a double white line is used to indicate a
place that is popular to overtake.

Q: When can I use the emergency lane?
A: You can use the emergency lane for any emergency, e.g. you are late
for work, you left the toaster plugged in at home, you are bursting to
go to the toilet, you have a toothache or you have just dropped your
Starbucks coffee in your lap. As it is an emergency, you may drive at
twice the speed of the other cars on the road.

Q: Do traffic lights have the same meaning as in other countries?
A: Not quite. Green is the same that means "Go", but amber and red are
different. Amber means "Go like hell" and red means "Stop if there is
traffic coming in the other direction or if there is a policeman on
the corner". Otherwise red means the same as green. Note that for
buses, red lights do not take effect until five seconds after the
light has changed.

Q: What does the sign "Jalan Sehala" mean?
A: This means "One Way Street" and indicates a street where the
traffic is required to travel in one direction. The arrow on the sign
indicates the preferred direction of the traffic flow, but is not
compulsory. If the traffic is not flowing in the direction in which
you wish to travel, then reversing in that direction is the best
option.

Q: What does the sign "Berhenti" mean?
A: This means "Stop", and is used to indicate a junction where there
is a possibility that you may have to stop if you cannot fool the cars
on the road that you are entering into thinking that you are not going
to stop.

Q: What does the sign "Beri Laluan" mean?
A: This means "Give Way", and is used to indicate a junction where the
cars on the road that you are entering will give way to you provided
you avoid all eye contact with them and you can fool them into
thinking that you have not seen them.

Q: What does the sign "Dilarang Masuk" mean?
A: This means "No Entry". However, when used on exit ramps in
multi-storey car parks, it has an alternative meaning which is: "Short
cut to the next level up".

Q: What does the sign "Pandu Cermat" mean?
A: This means "Drive Smartly", and is placed along highways to remind
drivers that they should never leave more than one car length between
them and the car in front, irrespective of what speed they are
driving. This is to ensure that other cars cannot cut in front of you
and thus prevent you from achieving the primary objective of driving
in Malaysia, and that is to arrive ahead of the car in front of you.
If you can see the rear number plate of the car in front of you, then
you are not driving close enough.

Q: What is the speed limit in Malaysia?
A: The concept of a speed limit is unknown in Malaysia.

Q: So what are the round signs on the highways with the numbers, 60,
80 and
110?
A: This is the amount of the 'on-the-spot' fine (in ringgits - the
local currency) that you have to pay to the police if you are stopped
on that stretch of the highway. Note that for expatriates or locals
driving Mercedes or BMWs, the on-the-spot fine is double the amount
shown on the sign.

Q: Where do you pay the 'on-the-spot' fine?
A: As the name suggests, you pay it 'on-the-spot' to the policeman who
has stopped you. You will be asked to place your driving licence on
the policeman's notebook that he will hand to you through the window
of your car. You will note that there is a spot on the cover of the
notebook. Neatly fold the amount of your fine into four, place the
fine on the spot, and then cover it with your driving licence so that
it cannot be seen. Pass it carefully to the policeman. Then, with a
David Copperfield movement of his hands, he will make your money
disappear. It is not necessary to applaud.

Q: But isn't this a bribe?
A: Oh pleeease, go and wash your mouth out. What do you want? A
traffic ticket? Yes, you can request one of those instead, but it will
cost you twice the price, forms to fill out, cheques to write,
envelopes to mail, and then three months later when you are advised
that your fine was never received, more forms to fill out, a trip to
the police station, a trip to the bank, a trip back to the police
station, and maybe then you will wish you had paid 'on-the-spot'.

Q: But what if I haven't broken any road rules?
A: It is not common practice in Malaysia to stop motorists for
breaking road rules (because nobody is really sure what they are). The
most common reasons for being stopped are:
(a) the policeman is hungry and would like you to buy him lunch;
(b) the policeman has run out of petrol and needs some money to get
back to the station;
(c) you look like a generous person who would like to make a donation
to the police
welfare fund; or
(d) you are driving an expensive car which means you can afford to
make a donation to the police welfare fund.

Q: Does my car require a roadworthy certificate before I can drive it
in Malaysia?
A: No, roadworthy certificates are not required in Malaysia. However
there are certain other statutory requirements that must be fulfilled
before your car can be driven in Malaysia.
Firstly, you must ensure that your windscreen is at least 50% obscured
with English football club decals, golf club membership stickers or
condo parking permits.
Secondly, you must place a tissue box (preferably in a white lace
cover) on the back shelf of your car under the rear window.
Thirdly, you must hang as many CDs or plastic ornaments from your rear
vision mirror as it will support. Finally, you must place a Garfield
doll with suction caps on one of your windows. Your car will then be
ready to drive on Malaysian roads.

Q: What does a single yellow line along the edge of a road mean?
A: This means parking is permitted.

Q: What does a double yellow line along the edge of a road mean?
A: This means double parking is permitted.

Q: What does a yellow box with a diagonal grid of yellow lines painted
on the road at a junction mean?
A: Contrary to the understanding of some local drivers, this does not
mean that diagonal parking is permitted. It indicates a junction that
is grid-locked at peak hours.

Q: Can I use my mobile phone whilst driving in Malaysia?
A: No problem at all, but it should be noted that if you wish to use
the rear-vision mirror to put on your lipstick (women only please) or
trim your eyebrows at the same time as you are using a mobile phone in
the other hand, you should ensure that you keep an elbow free to steer
the car. Alternatively, you may place a toddler on your lap and have
the child steer the car whilst you are carrying out these other
essential driving tasks.

Q: Is it necessary to use indicator lights in Malaysia?
A: These blinking orange lights are commonly used by newly arrived
expatriate drivers to indicate they are about to change lanes. This
provides a useful signal to local drivers to close up any gaps to
prevent the expatriate driver from changing lanes. Therefore it is
recommended that expatriate drivers adopt the local practice of
avoiding all use of indicator lights. However, it is sometimes useful
to turn on your left hand indicator if you want to merge right,
because this confuses other drivers enabling you to take advantage of
an unprotected gap in the traffic.

Q: Why do some local drivers turn on their left hand indicator and
then turn right, or turn on their right hand indicator and then turn
left?
A: This is one of the unsolved mysteries of driving in Malaysia.

Q. What is the use of the hazard warning lights?
A. Contrary to all international protocol, this four way flashing
light is = switched on when the Police are escorting VIPs on the road
to warn lesser mortals to move out of the way and not hinder the flow
of the motorcade. Taking a cue from the Police, motorists use this at
the slightest excuse when it rains to tell other motorist to get out
of the way as using their hazard light anoints them with powers that
part the traffic, somewhat akin to Moses parting the Red Sea.

I'm out~

from Pola Singh

One Liner

Some oldies but goodies:

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – '………..If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 People in my family so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.add text, images, video, widgets, etc...

....and then the fight started

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels..

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust!'

And then the fight started...

=========================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

=========================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station....

And then the fight started....

=========================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply fo! r the aged pension.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'don't bother. Just unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
I JUST LOVED THAT ONE!!
=======================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring
at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...

=======================================================

I rear-ended a car the other day. We pulled over and slowly the other driver
got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and
little things just seem funny?

Well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, .. which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

=======================================================! =

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting
the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

=======================================================

Moral to these stories :

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is the husband.